I have been absent from my blog much longer than I had planned, but I have a good reason. If you follow me on Instagram, you already know a little bit about what’s been going on the past few weeks, but I felt like I needed to post a small life update here as well.
My husband, Shane, and I are getting a divorce.
We started dating when we were in high school, and got married a year and a half ago. We were high school sweethearts, and I genuinely thought it was impossible that we would ever split up. He told me in mid-November that he was no longer happy and was trying to decide if he still wanted to stay married to me or not.
I tried fighting for us harder than I had ever fought for anything. I sobbed for days on end. I had to force myself to eat a couple pieces of bread a day because otherwise I wouldn’t have eaten anything. I wrote pages and pages of plans for ways we could fix us, love letters promising him that I’d do anything if he’d stay.
But he didn’t want to. He just didn’t want to try anymore. While he was falling out of love with me (when I was still oblivious) he was falling for someone else. Lies and secrets turned to cheating. He ultimately chose her over me. They were dating before he had even told me his decision, when I was still hanging onto hope. When we still lived together, he was staying out until 2am with her.
Life doesn’t always go as planned.
Even something that is supposed to be permanent and forever, like a marriage, can break apart. The dreams we had together are over and I’m left alone, wondering where I can go and what I can do next.
This is hard. I’ve struggled through an eating disorder and dealt with anxiety and depression for seven years now, but this might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure. Some days I feel fine and ready to move on with my life. Other days I’m so heartbroken I can’t get off the floor. I’m riding a roller coaster of emotions, but I’m determined to not shut anything out. I’m staying on the ride as long as it takes to level out, no matter how much it hurts.
Right now, I have no idea what my future holds. It’s too hard to look far ahead, so I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. I am so thankful for the friends and family that have supported me through the past few weeks, and I hope one day I can make it up to you all.
Someday I’ll be able to write more about all of this. I’ve been able to get a few poems out, but the wound still feels too fresh and raw to do much else. I appreciate prayers and patience as I try to work through everything that’s going on.