Dear Freshman Me,
It’s 2016. The middle of May, the end of your high school career. I know you’re surprised, because you never thought that you’d make it this far, but you did. And trust me, love, you’re going to make it so much further, because I finally believe in us.
I know things suck right now. Okay, sorry. They more than suck. You feel abandoned, and think that no one loves you. The slightest things make you fall apart, your irrational anxiety is tearing you down, and you want to die. You think about it every day. You’ll continue to think about it a lot, for a while. But you aren’t going to end your life, because God will pull you through, and He’s holding onto you even when you refuse to hold onto Him.
Every day is a struggle right now. You are way too young to go to bed every night hoping that you won’t wake up in the morning. But the fact that you get up every day and continue on through life makes me so incredibly proud of you. I still don’t know how you pay attention in class (most days) and do your homework (even when it’s late at night) when all you can think about is how pointless everything is. You are a warrior, a fighter. You are so incredibly brave.
I know you’re only a freshman right now, and life looks so out of focus, the future so far away. But even though most days drag by, before you know it, you will be in my shoes, looking back on it all. I’m sorry to tell you, baby girl, that things from this side aren’t perfect- that dark monster still hangs over my head, and those irrational anxiety-driven thoughts still surface quite often. A new monster- whom you haven’t even met yet- is still very present in my life, and I struggle to eat some days. Things are still dark at times, but the light is so much brighter than it is for you today.
You have to keep fighting, love. Because trust me, things will get easier. They might not be easy, but they are easier. Being the warrior that you are is worth it, darling. There are so many beautiful things waiting for you just around the river-bend.
One day soon, when you make it to where I am, you’ll finally feel loved, and even though it’s not by everyone that you want to love you, you’ll be loved by the right people.
You’ll find a family in a group of crazy, talented, amazing Thespians and will cry so hard the last night of your last musical.
You’ll find a new dream that actually came from your struggles, and you’ll feel such a strong desire to keep striving to make that dream a reality.
You’ll find strength in God again and again, and learn that no matter how many times you walk away, He is always waiting with open arms. His peace and love is greater than anything.
You’ll move on from those who hurt you so badly that you never thought you’d be happy again.
You’ll find passions that will make you you, and no one can take those things away from you.
You will meet a man that will make you so happy, and he will remind you time and time again of your worth and offer support when and where you need it most. Wait for him.
You’ll begin to find joy in the smallest things, like flowers and cats and warm showers and long drives.
You’ll find hope that maybe the future isn’t dreadful. It’s full of possibilities, and wonder, and adventure. Nothing can stop you once you realize this. You’ll discover who you are and you’ll never stop learning new things about yourself and the world. God will open your eyes little by little to the things you never thought to think. You’ll bloom.
I know things are hard right now, love. And they will be for a while. But just remember that you are only 14. You have so much life to live, so many songs to sing, so many dresses to twirl in and people to laugh with. Don’t give up, darling, because from my side, life doesn’t look too bad.
I’m about to graduate high school- the years that you never would have dreamed to make it through. Because of your tough, strong, brave self, I have made it this far. I am so proud of you.
I can only hope that if you could see me now, that you’d be proud of me too.